what can I do?

and wow! it's been a long time ago I wrote on this thing. there's a lot of thing that happens to me that i can't even handle it by myself. i just let those things happen to me and doing nothing with it. i can't even tell someone because i think i might be disturb them or something. so i just keep silent and thinking about it by myself. i know it's a wrong decisions, but what can i do now? what can i do to make myself have more encourage? what can i do to make myself braver than before? what can i do now? i feel so useless. i prayed, but i still can't get any answer. maybe God still working on me, but when? when something will be happens to me?

i have a dream. everyone has a dream. big dream or even a small dream. but what we do to make our dream comes true? what should we do? and what should I do? i don't even know it. or maybe i just can't accept how the way i must achieve my dream? it makes me so confuse. like have a war with yourself. blaming and blaming. thinking like I'm not supposed to be here. or I should not have been born. (I use a translator here.) is that just me here that have a feeling like that? is that just me that giving up like this now? am I alone again right now? can anyone tell me what should I do? i can't even give someone anything or my mom or my dad or my sister or anyone that besides me. i feel like a loser here.

oh my God, i don't know what I'm doing right now. i just feeling confused, terrible, stressed out, too much thinking.

i have a family, complete family. but I can't feel joy here. i just feel safe in my home.
i have some friends. but I don't know if they're care or not, they're feel like I'm their friend too or not. i can laugh at college, but when I'm at my boarding house I feel empty and so lonely. it feels like i have no friend. that's such a sucks feeling you know.
i have God, a BIG GOD, a live God, but I can't even see Him. I can't touch Him. sometimes I can't feel Him. I'm just a human, God. I'm no one here. I'm just 'the other'. can You change me? can You fix me? can You give me happiness and friends? can You give my family happiness so we can go somewhere and get some refreshing? can You see how tired my dad? how tired my mom? sometimes they have fight and I hate that. I really hate that and those fight hurts me. and absolutely my sister, i know it broke her heart. what can I do?
and what can You do to makes me Your 'tool'?

i'm tired living like this God. can You change me?
i'm giving up. and i'm scared. i'm totally scared God. i know i just pretended to be okay, but im not. i'm so scared.
please God :(